The Fitting Room



(Read this part like you're hosting a freak show)

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Welcome to the mystical land at the far right (or left depending on where you're standing) end of the store. With its bright neon light sign that people still seem to miss even though they might be standing five feet away. A deep, dark place where behind roughly 20-30 closed doors fashion, and many other.....eventful.... things come to life. 


To the Fitting Room.

(End voice) 

There are a range of different personalities that come alive in this place, and there are a range of things that should never happen in any place that have happened here.

Brace yourself.

I've seen pads stuck to the walls, some near the cash register. Swear to my mother, I'm not lying. Some people have decided that it's okay to leave their child's diaper in the fitting room as well. Nope, not done. People have peed in the fitting room. Some have thrown up, apologized, and left shortly after. Making us clean it. People faint. It's a thing. Ambulances arrive. Plenty of theft but I'll handle that accordingly. Is it a hospital or is it the station, I don't know. I don't wanna give too much away already...but.....moving on...

I am going to do some serious calling out in this post. So for anyone who gets offended easily, I will kindly ask you now to please exit to your top left. (or right?)

If you’re still here, I ask you to empathize for us, the ones who’ve had to deal with these personalities. I will now carefully deconstruct each personality and how it comes alive.

First, there are rules:

1. No more than 6 items at a time.  2.  No jewelry and accessories or shoes allowed INSIDE of the rooms. 


5.     Attendant counts and takes customer's items to the room.  (One less thing to worry about....)

  All the customer has to do is bring back the clothes and bring back the number back. 

Here are some personalities:

The way too attached mother.


Ah yes. She is a great mother. She probably makes cookies for all of her children’s friends, is always on time or early, and an extremely involved and dedicated mother. Or she might just have a type A personality and wants to be in control at all times. She’s also very opinionated and having been so successful and on top of her shit running everyone’s lives, she now thinks it’s appropriate to run other people’s businesses.

She’s the lady that insists on going into the fitting room with her 25 year old daughter. Okay, maybe 17 year old, but still. She insists on going inside the room, that is comfortably room for one. Why? I have no idea. Not only does she insist, but she gets really upset when we say kindly, she is not allowed. 

“She’s MY daughter,” she says.

My alter ego says....Yes, she is. And I’m sure she is fully capable of dressing herself.

But actually I say,  “Ma’am it’s our store policy, only one person per room.”

Not like that makes it any better. All we hear for the rest of the time is complaints and all we get is dirty looks. Even when we thank them.

“I’m never coming back,” she says.

They do though. Always.  

The Raunchy Boyfriend


This guy is forever trying to get inside the room as if nobody would notice. Makin his way from the outside of the fitting room, scurrying in when "no one is watching" only to be told to exit the room because, you know, sex isn't allowed in public. Are we that thirsty for down and dirty time? If you're okay with a small room I'm more than sure you'll be even happier with a motel. There's one right across the street. You're welcome. 

"This is lame," he says. 

Sorry not sorry. I'm not here for it. But if we're going to allow this kind of behavior to happen, I think there should be an hourly rental room rate. 

The Girl Who Tries Everything on But Buys Nothing


Hi. Yes Hi. You. Still roaming around the store. Hi.

It's been just about all day. You've tried just about everything on. And of course you're one of the last girls to be leaving the store as it just closed a half an hour ago :D!!!!!!!! But you're still here!! :D! Trying things on!! :D!! AND BUYING NOTHING. But pretending like you are. BUT YOU'RE NOT. But it's OKAY. Because you'll be back again tomorrow. DOING THE SAME THING :D!!


OH you know these. Bringing the whole crew up in this bih. Bum rushing my zone like a pack of fucking wolves and I'm dinner. Yelling "CAN WE ALL GET A ROOM NEXT TO EACH OTHER?!?!?!" Rushing up to me with bags upon bags of clothes that my rack can't even handle. Half if not more than half you WON'T buy. Takin up the whole damn row. YEAH SURE this whole area is VACANT JUST FOR YOU AND YOUR TEAM BOO. All of it. Shit we should start asking for reservations. This team is a mixture of hot mess, sorority tee shirts, stick straight hair, and the girl mentioned above. 

The Overbearing DAUGHTER

Same as too attached mom. Just daughter. One girl almost tried to fight me over it. We'll get to that later.

The Sugar Daddy


I know. I know. I'm taking this too far. But he is there. He really is. Yet not as raunchy as the raunchy boyfriend. Sometimes with two of'm. Zipping one up. Checking in on the other. Checking out everyone else too. Throwing suggestive winks like "this could be you." How sweet father dearest, but I would hate for your REAL daughter to catch you in here with her TEAM. They get kinda crazy. 

The Highschooler's on Break or Ditching Class


Same as WHOLE SQUAD ON THAT REAL SHIT. Just younger and way more annoying and disrespectful. It literally makes me hate myself for ever behaving like that if I ever did.  

The Diva Man

Let me be clear on this guy. This is not one of the fabulous gays, but rather the pretty boy, regardless of his style that hauls in as much clothing as his diva girlfriend. The two together are a complete train wreck to both the men's section and the fitting room. Only consumed with himself. Portraying massive entitlement. I blame your girlfriend.

Which brings us to...

The Diva Girl 

She always acts like it's just too much for her to shop here, but she's always shopping here. I mean I get it, it's very overwhelming. I had to CLEAN IT UP so I know. But it seems to me that the overwhelming-ness doesn't bother you or you wouldn't be able to bring in like 4 bags every time you come in here. 

You guys don't get me wrong....if you're buyin HALF even a little less then HALF of that shit, GO AHEAD BRING IT IN.

But if you just wanna fuck with me...lord.........I don't have time for endless dress up. It's like this endless fantasy dress up play house, I swear to God I don't get paid enough for that. 

 Moving on.....

The Stinky Ones


Behold. The woof of curry, B.O, feet, pee, etc. Some people just choose to not shower at all. And that is none of my business. But damn, it's about to be when it comes to me not being able to properly breathe. What the ACTUAL FUCK though? You don't smell yourself?  Oh no way because you're too busy letting the rest of US suffer for you to even realize. One try on session with you equals 1-2 full business days of garbage smelling fitting room. Do you just sit in there and marinate? Again, THANK YOU SO MUCH. Now everyone else is going to be like "Oh, these bitches are nasty, they don't shower." Good looks..........

 The Grandma

She's my favorite. She gives no trouble to anyone. Not to me at least. 

Imma stop here.....I know I'm QUEEN of cliffhangers. 

We'll get to the fun stuff soon I promise.